Welcome to My Little Gay Heart
Updated: Sep 8, 2018
It's a dark and scary place, full of demons and rainbows and thoughts about food.
Who am I?
While this may be an existential question many of us ask ourselves as we are lying awake in bed at 3 a.m. wondering about our purpose on this earth, I’m really just asking it rhetorically so that I can talk about myself.
I’m Evan. I’m gay. And this is my blog.
Right now you’re probably thinking, okay great, but I still don’t know why I’m reading this. I, too, often find myself in questionable situations. As much as I wish I could regale you with a list of reasons to stay and hear me out, I think it would be better for both of us if I just wrote from the heart instead.
The name of my blog is Little Gay Heart. I picked this name for several reasons. First of all, it’s very gay. Since I talk about being gay approximately 59 out of 60 minutes of every hour of every day, I thought that part was quite natural.
I am also sensitive (which is not a bad thing, by the way, despite what many will tell you) and I love hard and I want to write from the heart. You’re going to get my unfiltered emotions and thoughts, so you might want to brace for an avalanche. No, seriously. Get some snowshoes or something.
The Little is the part that may be stumping some of you. I am not a small man. I’m skinny, yes, but I am also six foot three inches tall. I’m like that lamppost you walked past on the street this afternoon, or the stalk of corn you once saw on a roadtrip through rural America. Conjure those things in your mind and you have a very accurate representation of what I look like, give or take a few bodily features.
But despite my size, I often feel vulnerable. As a gay man in a predominantly straight society who feels too many emotions at all times, it’s easy for me to feel small. I filter myself on a daily basis for fear of repercussion if I show too much of who I am in a public setting. There are certain places, people, and situations that allow me to be myself, but for the most part being gay means living in a state of censorship.
I don’t want to feel small anymore. I don’t want to be afraid to say or do the wrong thing or even act the wrong way. I want to express who I am and I do not want to apologize for it. So that’s what this is. It’s my Little Gay Heart. And it’s ready to get bigger.
Why now? I was recently in New York City. Something about that place always leaves a little bug in my ear that titters “do more with your life.” While a part of me is like shut up, bug, another part of me is like ugh, this bug is so right. It’s not that I don’t feel successful, it’s that I feel like there’s more I can do. There’s more I can say. And there’s more for me to express.
New York is filled with creative people - writers, thinkers, actors, creators, artists, sculptors - who are doing those things because they love it and not necessarily because they want to find success. I think that’s what was holding me back before. I always felt like I had to be successful as a writer if I wanted to write at all, but good ‘ole New York has made me realize that I shouldn’t be writing for anyone else. I should be writing for me.
And for you, of course. My lovely (and at this point entirely imaginary) reader. I’m looking at you, mom.
So that’s where we are. I am sitting in the middle of Ohio, where I live, and you are sitting in the middle of (insert cool place here), where you live. I have a lot to say. I can only hope that you’ll listen.
If you made it this far, thank you. If you abandoned ship after reading the first sentence and will never get this far, thank you. If you’re reading this and also happen to be a little bit hungry, go get yourself a snack. You deserve it.
I’m ready to spill the contents of my Little Gay Heart. Let’s get to it.